Some Guy Doesn’t Like Me and Louie is Depressing

…not the anime fan whom I most recently knew as angelsharkbite, but the TV show by Louis CK. I’d never heard of Louis CK until the other day when I followed a link in a glothelegend post to his story of being told to suck a bag of dicks. Afterwards, I watched hours of specials and live videos, thinking, “I’ve found my favorite comedian.” Last night, I discovered he had his own show (I say this but I’d just woken up and am still up), so I watched it on hulu and got through three episodes before I couldn’t take any more of the utterly depressing humor.

Louis CK’s act is about making funny the miserableness of his life and of life in general, while taking refuge in audacity and vulgarity. His show is the same thing, only it’s not talking about this misery, but showing it. Yeah, it’s still funny, but when presented this way, the viewer is basically confronted by it. At times, it’s pretty intense. This is the story of a fat, forty-two year-old, just-divorced man with two daughters, failing at dating and facing the fact that his health will only ever get worse …and this is all true of Louis CK. It’s impossible to see his act and his show and think that this isn’t pretty much what his life is like. No—to think that this is simply how life is. It’s something oppressive and very difficult to watch, at least to me. 

When I’m thinking about this show, and thinking about stuff like my own loneliness and boredom, for some reason it’s strange and funny to me when some random guy that I don’t know professes his dislike of me. It seems weird to me that this guy exists and that this thing happened. Like, why?

Maybe it’s because I’m so far gone from the aniblogosphere and being social in general that I practically forget anyone whom I don’t know exists. This is silly because a lot of the commenters on my blog are still people whom I don’t know, but I guess I’m distant from my blog at the moment. I only post on it about once a week now, episodically, and right before that I didn’t do anything ambitious for a very long time. It’s really funny to me when this person is saying that I’m a try-hard, because I used to be one! Like, very, very hard! Can you imagine if this guy had been reading me back when I was writing Fuzakenna?! Now he’s finding a try-hard in a guy who’s neglected his blog for months and posted nothing but random shit popping into his head?

Maybe it’s because I made some really strange Lain posts, or that one huge thing about what was the best year in anime. I wonder if he understands that those are the easiest things in the world for me; that I put no effort into them at all; that is to say, effort in a sense that I was seeking to accomplish something or felt like I owed something to myself or someone in the creation of those posts. I made weird Lain posts because I was really into using microsoft paint and because me and ak have a kindred love for that kind of weirdness. I made the “best years” post out of curiosity and my unending desire to blow entire days doing incredibly repetitive tasks. You should see this picture I’ve been drawing for a few days—it’s called the “Land of Birds and Gravel.” I’ve been drawing gravel, one rock at a time, for a total of some 6 hours. It’s about 40,000 tiny circles. This is not being a try-hard—I just want to draw a ridiculous amount of tiny circles because that, to me, is fun. I dunno.

Disliking me or making fun of me made more sense back when I gave a shit; back when I was all ready to defend myself and took myself all seriously. Or back when I was showing off or being an exhibitionist. Yeah, Colony Drop’s insistence on making fun of my posts was always stupid and boring, but it was something bound to happen. It’s like, I’ve been so dislikable in the past, and now I’m being disliked at my least dislikable? (This actually makes no sense either.)

I wonder where he gets the energy to dislike me to such an extent that he went and posted about it on his blog. I’ve done it before in the past, but now I don’t know what that was like anymore—to dislike someone enough to mention it in public where they’ll see it. Don’t get me wrong, I talk shit about anime bloggers on an almost daily basis in IM conversations with friends, where it’s mostly like “god that ghostlightning is such a faggot” and then we move on with our days. I don’t even know any blogger I dislike enough to call them out except for kluxorious. And I only pick on her so much because she doesn’t give a shit and keeps reading me anyway. 

I wouldn’t even react to this at all if it weren’t for the fact that the guy apparently wants me to. He tracked back to me, mentioned my inattention to his existence, and then was gratified of my attention to it. I feel like he’s inviting me to say something, defend myself, somehow care about this complaint of his which, when I first read it, I didn’t understand and had to re-read the post. Was he really saying that I try too hard? I don’t know how I can be more relaxed on my blog. I would have to be as drunk as glothelegend, and even then I don’t think I’d be able to pull it off. It’s just weird to me. 

So I wrote some comments on the post to this effect, but even there I’m pretty much lost for words (of course my version of “lost for words” is still four paragraphs, but you should’ve seen the essay-length defenses I used to type against hecklers). I guess I should just ask Flora straight-up, what does he want from me?